2:16 am

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i’m sensing a pattern here…

i’ve always been a night person, but this is ridiculous. it’s 2:16 am and i’m still wide awake. sitting here surfing the internet, drinking a glass of cheap cabernet sauvignon, listening to karnivool.

i feel like i need to write or edit something but i can’t get started. last weekend at the beach retreat, i got a lot of stuff started; now i need to sit down and begin the editing process.

i could kick myself for not doing something right now. these “writing” moments are so fleeting; it’s rare nowadays that i feel that urge, the feeling that words are right on the edge of my fingertips just waiting to roll out onto the screen. it’s much more typical that i feel like i’ll never write creatively again. being a “professional” writer — and writing financial copy, no less — really sucks all the creativity out of me sometimes.

i love writing, and i usually like the end result, but the process to get there is so damn painful most of the time. it really is a form of therapy. even if i’m not writing from my own point of view, the words are still part of me. they are my words, and putting them out there for the world to see is incredibly dangerous. “dangerous” because it’s so easy to listen to someone’s criticism or judgment and to let the doubt start to creep in.

now it’s 2:31 am and i can’t think straight. i’m not sleepy, but i’m tired. there are a million thoughts in my head but i can’t wrap my mind around a single one of them. i suppose i should go to bed so i can get up at a decent time in the morning.

no writing will be accomplished tonight.

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